Si apagar el sol para encender tu amanecer ~

How to mend a broken glass? Is there something more impossible to do?
Right now I have no heart to mend, I have no confidence, I have nothing but a sick sadness.
I believed, but now I don't. No more. I can't assume if all your words were lies, or if you just can't pull your ideas together and realize if you love me or not.
Pretended me to be perfect? To change? What did you do for me to change? You were mean, cold, you pushed me away. Day by day. It became impossible for me to be next to you. Just got tired of being the one loving. I mean, I guess you also did love me...but how would I know? The only thing you did was making me feel less loved, less important, less. More sad, feel more blue, making myself easier to get angry. Because I didn't understand. I still can't understand.
Pretended me to be by your side when it was important to you...just tell me, were you by my side when I was falling to pieces? When I needed you most?
Told me it would be worse, because you didn't trust me.
I was by your side when you needed me even though I told you I'M GOING TO HAVE AN HORRIBLE TIME.
I suffered, I lied for you, I pretended to be happy when I just wanted to die. To dissapear. I was there cause you told me you wanted me there. And at least, I wanted you to understand why I told you not to go. But went. And you didn't understood.
I just needed you, and yes, I understood you, but wasn't it the same? Even in your hard time, I needed YOU.
I still do...
But I've got a limit. And I'm almost at it. How much pressure I can take?
You know? I need a man that's by my side, I need someone who's my partner, my pal...a companion. That takes my family as his. To spend time together, really together. Mutual love, romantisism, laughs...I need that man.
But I love you. Even though you are not what I need. But you're everything I want.
So I'm here...not knowing what to do. If keep trying or not. But... I don't see you trying! Not speaking to me, never having time...being cold. More, if possible.
I can't. No more.
Just because you don't understand me. Even when I tell you!! At your face!! I don't know in which way to tell you again and again...you just don't catch it.
And I'm stronger no more, I have no strength to keep on fighting.
But I'm so bloody in love that I tell myself: no, stop. But at the minute I'm there for you again.

I try to reach that sweet and lovely boy I met, but it's impossible. I find no way to do it. Or was only my imagination? Did that boy died or he never existed? Am I that crazy?

I guess I wasn't for you, though I see you and still feel butterflies flying trough my tummy..

Maybe this is a goodbye. But I hope you understand that even when saying goodbye, when trying to let it go, I'm pleading and begging you to understand. 

I don't know...

Guess I'm just waiting for a miracle.

~*

You can bet I want to die.